Paybach

This post is dedicated to Aakash, my friend, occasional mentor and all time bitch. Last week Aakash took initiative to put the following comment on this <redundant_adjective_here> blog:

“well of the 25 times u sent me the link to yor blog, i cared the least to give it a carless look.
this time since u pretended of this blog havin info abt bikes, i did give it a look and i was surprised !

Good things:-
1. Yes! you should be a professional writer….yor writing is simply awesome
2.its a time paas
3.its informative
4.tells u the advantage of knowin good english
5.its funny

Bad things:-
1.yor model of bein a complete “non ladies” and frustoo chap sucks
2.u havent been completely honest(like u fallin in love only once in 9th std and never after tat… !)
3.ndtv is still better than cnn
4.doesnt contain info on bikes
5.thr is no mentionin abt me and the nights we spent together pretendin to study”

Ok, so I fooled him to bring him to my blog, but lets accept that he was smart enough for he actually cared to read six of my best postings. Now coming to the point, I guess both the readers of my blog would be well aware of the first five and the next four points that aakash took pains to write. I will now elaborate about the last point, thereby mentioning him and the nights we spent together pretending to study.

Now before you start thinking cheap, let me confess that we did spend many nights together. We did pretend to study all those nights, and kept the door closed with a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on it. Also, the involvement of sex cannot be completely undermined in such circumstances. Yes we did all that.

Because we were addicted to porn. Yes, thats what we did. We saw porn all day and all night. Except when we saw Bollywood Hollywood. That was awesome. Just like this blog.

So, coming back to this Aakash fellow, my earliest memory of knowing him dates back some seven years. It was a pleasant evening. The girls were cycling and the boys were looking at them. And from the little balconies above, the parents watched their daughters learning to flirt with the guys watching them in pure lust. The other parents were wondering why the previously mentioned parents were observing their heartthrobs with such a keen eye. Then Aakash dropped in with a football; wearing green knickers and white socks. I saw this bright buoyance in his eyes and it was at that moment I knew that he and me would become the greatest friends of Ankur Complex – Phase IV. He then went straight and to a girl (lets call her P). What followed was a brief conversation which was the pillar to our remarkable association.

Aakash: Hey, you wanna play ball?

P: No.

Aakash: OK. Can I ride your… (bicycle)

P (interrupts before our guy could finish): No.

Aakash: OK.

After this delightful chat, he then spotted the most eligible campionite studying in class eleventh living in shivaji nagar and weighing close to 170 pounds. What followed now was pretty boring.

Aakash: Hey!

Yours Truly: Yeah.

Aakash: I so wanna have sex with that chic.

YT: He’s a guy.

Aakash: And her too.

YT: Same guy.

Aakash: Oh! Okay. I hate her! (points to P)

YT: We’re gonna be best friends! WHO IS WITH ME!!

Aakash then gave me a hi-five and a peck on the cheek.

Over the next two years, Aakash fucked screwed himself in academics time and again and I helped him out again and again (rhetoric). I, in turn, stole his computer science question bank and never returned it back. I also bailed on him when he was shifting to Jaipur. He, in another turn ahead of the first turn which I took, scored 1 mark more than me in Boards. So, I guess that’s pretty fair. Good Job, Karma!

Also, in the same two years, we bargained with the Nanu Video guy over a XX rated movie (which he was arguing was a blue film), Went for a city tour on a luna, ate lots of chicken patty at turrants and saw Bollywood Hollywood. That was awesome. Just like this blog.

Aakash now works with Wipro. He probably knows solaris more closely than even the folks at sun. And he is one of the best friends I’ve got.

I hate you bitch.

 

Happy Meal

Reasons why I’ve been happy lately:

1. Exams are over. Finally.
2. I can expect to pass in all subjects. First in five semesters.
3. 23 days vacations. Damn cool.
4. I have the best friends in this world.
5. I met with another accident. Dhoom ki bike ki watt lag gayi.
6. I came out unhurt again… well, almost.
7. Google is coming to our college. And if they have 2 vacancies, I’m going.
8. I saw ‘A walk to remember‘. And now I tag you to see it.
9. I’m ready to fall in love.
10. I’ve been hearing and reading lots and lots of testimonials (about me) from buds.
11. An old friend comes and hugs with me.
12. Treasure Island is opening soon.
13. And Finally, McDonald’s is in Indore. Happy Meal!

Mockingbird

Many-a-times I’ve been complimented for my goofy sense of humor. Many-a-times I’ve also been fiercly criticised for my unhealthy ‘dogshit’ humor. It feels good when someone appreciates you. Doesn’t it? And personally, it gives me great pleasure to see an irritated expression on the face of my ‘dogshit’ fans.

However, this incident relates to a totally different circumstance. I’m a person who never gets amused by fake things: be it a fake identity, fake relation, fake smile (trust me, I can detect it…), or a fake orgasm. But this incident had, perhaps for the first time in my life, made me smile to a fake compliment (which wasn’t even hailed at me!)

13 March 2005 08:30 pm

Indigo Food Junction

Opp Bombay Hospital

Indore

“Why are we standing here like asses when we’ve left all our cash in Swiss Bank Lockers?” Asked Abhinav. It was his way of saying that we were bankrupt.

“Because Arjun’s got a new Bike.” Anish replied, sober – as always.

Everybody in the group knew it. We all stared at each other for a moment, and then started looking for our targets.

• Abhinav – For a girl. (Any girl, even a bai would have done).
• Anish – For a mallu girl.
• Ankit – For an MBA Aspirant girl.
• Anurag – For a Jain girl.
• Atish – For a ‘Nahta Professional Academy’ bound girl.
• Abhishek – Just for something cool, Man!
• Arjun (i.e. me) – For a Coke.

I noticed a small kiddo who was staring at our group for a long long time. We’re accustomed to a usual occurrence of such type, but this was different – for he had no sister (of our age group). I ignored the kid and went for a coke. As I was returning, I saw the kid telling something to his father and looking at me (staring, actually) continuously. I kept ignoring him till he stood up from his table and started heading towards us.

“Apan ne iska kya bigaada hai?” I asked myself. I have a tendency of sharing blames and abuses.

“Kya iski koi behen ji hai jise apan ne kabhi chheda tha?”

He stood some 10 feet away from us. And then he shouted at his laf-a-lympic best.

“Ye Dhoom ki bike hai na?”

Somehow, I just coudn’t say No. He looked at his father, who gave him an assuring smile, that “beta, I’ll buy something better than this once you get old enough.” Then he (Dad) turned to me, and smiled.

---

And if you ask me too
Daddy’s gonna buy you a mockingbird
I’mma give you the world
I’mma buy a diamond ring for you
I’mma sing for you
I’ll do anything for you to see you smile

And if that mockingbird don’t sing and that ring don’t shine
I’mma break that birdies neck
I’d go back to the jewler who sold it to ya
And make him eat every carat don’t fuck with dad

Eminem – Mockingbird

A page out of Appu’s Life

The following writeup is taken from Mr. Ashish Menon’s (junior mallu) Personal diary, which I have illegaly occupied. No permission is taken from the author and he has also been threatened for life if he dares against me. please ignore the petty grammatical errors.

Aha! So here we are once again. I didn’t tell you about my bodily structure, did I? So, I say I am not very handsome and not very ugly, but in between the two. I have small muscles only and I’m trying to make some abs out of my stomach. I wear spectacles which are for short period only. My hands are dark brown and my legs are white or you may say american legs type. I have half Chinese half Indian eyes with brown inner circles.

Now I’ll come to my girlfriend locha. We studied in the same class till 8th standard. We developed a friendship when we were in last month of 8th standard. I liked her because of her beauty. She is little fat but not too fat. She has brown eyes like mine. She had perfect cute face and had a heroine type attitude which I liked. But after our break-up, I dont like the look of her. Why? I dont know.

Oh! I didn’t tell you about my profession. I am a gunda. Yes. dont be astonished. I am a gunda of 9th standard because I am a faliure. Some children came to me and told me join the ‘All India Failures League’. I didn’t understand, but later a child told me that league kept only failures & was very popular because of their bhais they had made before. So I joined it and now I’m the leader of my class group. Even the teachers fear me.

When I saw ‘Spiderman’ movie, I thought of becoming Spiderman. So, I went wherever I could get a spider. Due to the frequent biting of spiders, I got some allergy. It follows me even today. I like every comic star but I’m the biggest fan of Batman. I like him because of his car and muscle-power. Then I saw a Sallu movie and also became the ultimate fan of Sallu. I also saw his runaway hit – Tere Naam. I was so deeply moved by it that I got my hairstyle done like him. But girls looked at me and said – “Ooh! He’s so ugly!”. So I changed my hairstyle back to normal. But I still keep my madness for Sallu.

Author’s Profile

Ashish Menon.

Fifteen.

Class X student – preparing for boards(!!)

Currently working on his new (secret) masterpiece.