Karma. Part I

It seems like that racism thing has actually started taking its toll finally. The latest hot topic of the Indian media (besides Saif-Kareena ‘thing’, which is actually much hotter) is the shameful PDA towards the Australian (lets call them) gentlemen. Adding insult to injury is the humiliating series defeat.

Somewhere in my last post, I had mentioned that Symonds had aptly, albeit bravely faced all this criticism (is that even the right word?) and replied to it with strong hands and memorable performances. He might not use shampoo and what we call hair oil in India, but he sure knows how to kick some butt without having to smoke at all.

Lets read those omnipresent lines once again. In India, cricket is not just a sport. Its a religion. And a majority. People here take it too personally. Also, the way we’re groomed learning all those history books we so ever despised makes us kind of stereotyped patriots. We all love our country, yes we do, myself included. We respect our country more than any people do anywhere in the world. What we dont do, unfortunately, is that we dont respect others. This is particularly in reference to cricket.

Stereotyped patriots. We take pride in doing things which makes us proud of our country. In doing that we forget that there’s a very thin line between being a true patriot and a phony one. We cross that line. Just like we did in Vadodara, Nagpur and now in Mumbai. This does not make your country proud. It melts her in shame. That her people have done this.

And this is not the first time this has happened. Remember that test match with Pakistan in Eden Gardens? I do.

The four monkeys detained were let off in a couple of hours. They were also fined 1250 bucks each. Punitive damages have an agenda. The agenda is not to rob people of their hard earned money. The agenda is to make them value it. And we learnt in school that you dont respect something unless you lose it for once and earn it all over again. How guilty would one feel if he’s awarded a fine of 1250 bucks when the ticket he bought was no less than double that amount?

Karma is a funny thing. You do good things and good things happen to you. You do bad things and bad things come back to haunt you. And the next time when they will come back, the other half of this post will show up.

That Amazing Race!

Breaking News!! Andrew Symonds was racially attacked in Vadodara on last thursday’s India v/s Australia game. How? Monkey chants were hurled at him while he was fielding at the boundary. Now, I am with the Australian monkeys on this one. Our Indian monkeys, at least those at vadodara, are really a cheap lot. Perhaps they shouldn’t have been taken out of the zoo in the first place. Or perhaps, the folks at ICC shouldn’t have allowed the Australians to play inside the zoo at all. Monkeys, like Kangaroos are territorial. Alas, if only you’d have seen some National Geographic in those school days…

Monkeys are known to be over enthusiastic all over the world. Like when the superior Australian breed mocked BCCI chief Sharad Pawar last year. This time, our less superior ones were at the retaliating end. True as they say, “Each monkey has his own day”.

Enough monkey business for now, because racism and monkey chants aren’t the only things that have occupied Symonds lately. The other being: You guessed it! Kerela Boy S. Sreesanth. I personally think these two can be really good friends given the amazing face making abilities both of them have been gifted with. (Symonds can also be good friends with master-of-words captain Dhoni, but only if he decides to use more shampoo and a little of what we call hair oil in India).

So, it all started in Kochi. The competition. Sreesanth bowls a yorker. The ball hits Symonds’ pads and flicks. Sree decides it was a leg before. Sree begins his talent show which when analyzed after numerous viewing and reviewing of slow-mo replays can be essentially divided into 3 different classic acts:

1. Thumping your hands right in the middle of the pitch, which gives the impression that you’ve been taken by Satan.

2. Raising your index finger and gesturing it repetitively to both the umpire and the batsman, so that the former realizes that he has made a terrible mistake and takes the umpire test all over again, and the latter packs his bag and catches the next flight out of Kochi.

3. Showing your dental jewelery right into the camera and try to lure Colgate – Palmolive to gamble on you for their next brand campaign.

Symonds also spoke a few ‘vocal’ words with Sreesanth during those happening moments. I am imagining the conversation would have been like this:

S. Sreesanth: “(To Umpire) He’s out. (To Symonds) You’re out. (To Camera) He’s out. (To captain) He’s out. (To the croud) Nee uru vattan aaN, Ingre Varu nyanaan. He’s out!!!”

Andrew Symonds: “I know what you’re saying. My gloves might appear to camouflage it, but trust me, I am also showing you a finger, mate.”

S. S: I bet you can’t shake your booty like I do.

A. S: Yeah I’m sure I will make up something before you tour my country later this year kiddo. I will see you in Australia, mate.

S. S: Oh yeah!! And I will see you in Dubai. And near my tea-stall in Palakkad, if you ever get the balls to show up there.

I am wondering what is it in my South Indian debonair (no pun intended) brothers which gets them so worked up? A few other examples from the past and present include Venkatesh Prasad in his more lively and unmoustached days, M. Karunanidhi and our very own national divorce lawyer HD Devegowda. For those with lesser GK, Mr. Devegowda’s resume boasts of many achievements like divorcing the third front, Congress, BJP, Janata Dal and less recently, 40 MLAs of his own party. That marriage, fortunately was saved in the nick of time due to his dedicated apetite of daily sleep of twenty hours.

Coming back to Cricket; more specifically to Symonds – Sreesanth rift, as I was saying Sree has three specifically mastered moves to answer his enemies/professional opponents (with a twist of sarcasm). And he can use them in exactly (3! =) 6 different combinations. Symonds, on the other hand, knows only two, i.e. 50s and 100s (too bad) and can use them in only four combinations (3 x 50, 1 x 100). Still, that turns out to be more humiliating than all the fun combined at Kochi, Vadodara and Nagpur. How? There’s no way to know.

And there’s also no way to know what is in store for both my heroes in tomorrow’s game in Mumbai. Keep checking out this space for more updates taken directly from cricinfo and compiled in a miserable attempt of humor only for the three of us. (Yes, my blog now has three feeds, including mine.)

P.S: Suggestions invited for a new name of this blog, and an associated new tagline. My search engine stats indicate that the name of this blog gives a false impression of a database of Paedophiles, Hermaphrodites, Necrophiles, and Frustoos. I wonder why?

Paybach

This post is dedicated to Aakash, my friend, occasional mentor and all time bitch. Last week Aakash took initiative to put the following comment on this <redundant_adjective_here> blog:

“well of the 25 times u sent me the link to yor blog, i cared the least to give it a carless look.
this time since u pretended of this blog havin info abt bikes, i did give it a look and i was surprised !

Good things:-
1. Yes! you should be a professional writer….yor writing is simply awesome
2.its a time paas
3.its informative
4.tells u the advantage of knowin good english
5.its funny

Bad things:-
1.yor model of bein a complete “non ladies” and frustoo chap sucks
2.u havent been completely honest(like u fallin in love only once in 9th std and never after tat… !)
3.ndtv is still better than cnn
4.doesnt contain info on bikes
5.thr is no mentionin abt me and the nights we spent together pretendin to study”

Ok, so I fooled him to bring him to my blog, but lets accept that he was smart enough for he actually cared to read six of my best postings. Now coming to the point, I guess both the readers of my blog would be well aware of the first five and the next four points that aakash took pains to write. I will now elaborate about the last point, thereby mentioning him and the nights we spent together pretending to study.

Now before you start thinking cheap, let me confess that we did spend many nights together. We did pretend to study all those nights, and kept the door closed with a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on it. Also, the involvement of sex cannot be completely undermined in such circumstances. Yes we did all that.

Because we were addicted to porn. Yes, thats what we did. We saw porn all day and all night. Except when we saw Bollywood Hollywood. That was awesome. Just like this blog.

So, coming back to this Aakash fellow, my earliest memory of knowing him dates back some seven years. It was a pleasant evening. The girls were cycling and the boys were looking at them. And from the little balconies above, the parents watched their daughters learning to flirt with the guys watching them in pure lust. The other parents were wondering why the previously mentioned parents were observing their heartthrobs with such a keen eye. Then Aakash dropped in with a football; wearing green knickers and white socks. I saw this bright buoyance in his eyes and it was at that moment I knew that he and me would become the greatest friends of Ankur Complex – Phase IV. He then went straight and to a girl (lets call her P). What followed was a brief conversation which was the pillar to our remarkable association.

Aakash: Hey, you wanna play ball?

P: No.

Aakash: OK. Can I ride your… (bicycle)

P (interrupts before our guy could finish): No.

Aakash: OK.

After this delightful chat, he then spotted the most eligible campionite studying in class eleventh living in shivaji nagar and weighing close to 170 pounds. What followed now was pretty boring.

Aakash: Hey!

Yours Truly: Yeah.

Aakash: I so wanna have sex with that chic.

YT: He’s a guy.

Aakash: And her too.

YT: Same guy.

Aakash: Oh! Okay. I hate her! (points to P)

YT: We’re gonna be best friends! WHO IS WITH ME!!

Aakash then gave me a hi-five and a peck on the cheek.

Over the next two years, Aakash fucked screwed himself in academics time and again and I helped him out again and again (rhetoric). I, in turn, stole his computer science question bank and never returned it back. I also bailed on him when he was shifting to Jaipur. He, in another turn ahead of the first turn which I took, scored 1 mark more than me in Boards. So, I guess that’s pretty fair. Good Job, Karma!

Also, in the same two years, we bargained with the Nanu Video guy over a XX rated movie (which he was arguing was a blue film), Went for a city tour on a luna, ate lots of chicken patty at turrants and saw Bollywood Hollywood. That was awesome. Just like this blog.

Aakash now works with Wipro. He probably knows solaris more closely than even the folks at sun. And he is one of the best friends I’ve got.

I hate you bitch.