Really Bad Road Day

I just survived four accidents in less than five minutes, and all within two kilometers.

• As I turned from Shivaji Statue near Stadium towards palasia, I was at a constant, but less than usual pace… maybe about 30 kmph. And then infront of Medical College, all of a sudden this jackass auto-rickshaw driver cuts steeply to right, maybe to avoid some thela (the bastard didn’t see that earlier?). An elderly-but-not-so-old uncle, with his wife, was trying to overtake him (the auto). Impulsively, he also took an unexpected right. Bajaj Chetak is the undisputed champion of turning radius in scooters. I was about to overtake Uncle when this happened and all of a sudden I have no options left in life, but to go right and bang in that stupid road divider. I did it. I usually do not take such haphazard steps while driving. I dont know why I did that toady. Maybe I was satisfied that with a hospital across the road, and a medical college next to me, I wont die in casualty.
• Somehow, I maintained the balance of my 1989 born Kinetic, and went ahead. I didnt even recover from this when in front of IDBI bank, about 200 meters from the accident spot, I noticed that all the vehicles in front of me (about five school buses in them) came to a standstill as if they were all watching the climax of ‘Black’, and didnt want to waste a tear looking anywhere else but the screen. Something was wrong. A matador was trying to reverse on a one-way and by the way, this one way is also called NH-3 (fondly known as Agra-Bombay Road). I think the RTO should reserve the right of holding a driving license only to those people who can spell the word ‘license’. Sometimes I just feel pity for these anpadh-gawar-Tilak-Nagar-types. However, it was then that I realised that the previous accident had failed the front brakes of the scooter. I’m sorry God, but I was too late to realise this. I saw a Sardarji uncle coming towards me. And then I’m caught in a dilemma tougher than Rani Mukherji had in ‘Paheli’ – Do I bang in the Sardar, or, Do I bang in the Bus. And came my second stupid decision of the day.
• There were no visible scratches on the bus’ rear, but the wind-panel of my kinetic was being crushed by the trafic following me. I took a breath to confirm that I was still alive and not really below the bus and then vroomed again. Pretty soon, we were at Geeta Bhavan Signals. Yogesh left, and I was left on the mercy of fate and Kinetic, on the left of the road. As the signal flashed green I paced up as I wanted to reach home early and safer. By now, I had also decided that I’ll blog this experience. I reached palasia in less than a minute. The signal was green and the counter was decreasing – 52, 51, 50. The Orange flashes at 49, and remains till 45. I thought I could clear it, but what I forgot was that I was on Kinetic. Its not that I dont like the ‘K’ word, but I prefer an ‘arizma’ to ‘inetic’ as the suffix to ‘K’. As I crossed the LoC, it was 45 already and the big bro screamed through his fati-hui-condom type whistle. Should I stop. “YES PLEASE, YOU ARE ON THAT GOD-DAMN KINETIC, ASSHOLE”, My conscience yelled. I stopped (…somehow…) and came back crawling 10 odd meters.
• As I left Palasia, I noticed the big bro staring at me as if I had called him big bra or whatever. In 10 seconds, I was at the Nafees crossing. I wish they had designed Indore before they designed those ‘integrated collection of LEDs’, which we’re asked to program in that stupid 8085 shit (Read: Traffic Lights). Luckily this time, the wait was over soon and I rushed faster than the Rushes coming in Darius’ body while he was singing and filming that crap song. So what’s new? A dude with his fancy gf (girl friend, not Kinetic GF… Gosh, I hate all these words…) come zooming towards me on the wrong side. As I prepared to die, I heard my heart saying these final lines … Dear ‘A’, I really love you. I just hope I could have been more elaborate on this, but you see, I have to die in 2 seconds…). All of a sudden my creative biking skills, which had been dormant for the last four days came to life, and I turned the parallysed and partially-dilapidated kinetic by 90 degrees (= pi by two radians) in less than half a second. People saw me and screamed and shouted. I also overheard a passerby saying – “Wish you had a Karizma…”. Well, I do have a karizma, you son of a bitch! Its punctured. Anyway, this (gf wala) moron had left by then. I waved hysterically to the crowd, and slipped quitely. If ‘A’ would have seen me doing those Jackie Chan antics, she’d have probably thought of a future with me…

Anyways, I was home soon. I went to the fridge, grabbed a cola, and here I am. Writing stuff and thanking god for giving me more time to elaborate on my proposal idea.

A page out of Appu’s Life

The following writeup is taken from Mr. Ashish Menon’s (junior mallu) Personal diary, which I have illegaly occupied. No permission is taken from the author and he has also been threatened for life if he dares against me. please ignore the petty grammatical errors.

Aha! So here we are once again. I didn’t tell you about my bodily structure, did I? So, I say I am not very handsome and not very ugly, but in between the two. I have small muscles only and I’m trying to make some abs out of my stomach. I wear spectacles which are for short period only. My hands are dark brown and my legs are white or you may say american legs type. I have half Chinese half Indian eyes with brown inner circles.

Now I’ll come to my girlfriend locha. We studied in the same class till 8th standard. We developed a friendship when we were in last month of 8th standard. I liked her because of her beauty. She is little fat but not too fat. She has brown eyes like mine. She had perfect cute face and had a heroine type attitude which I liked. But after our break-up, I dont like the look of her. Why? I dont know.

Oh! I didn’t tell you about my profession. I am a gunda. Yes. dont be astonished. I am a gunda of 9th standard because I am a faliure. Some children came to me and told me join the ‘All India Failures League’. I didn’t understand, but later a child told me that league kept only failures & was very popular because of their bhais they had made before. So I joined it and now I’m the leader of my class group. Even the teachers fear me.

When I saw ‘Spiderman’ movie, I thought of becoming Spiderman. So, I went wherever I could get a spider. Due to the frequent biting of spiders, I got some allergy. It follows me even today. I like every comic star but I’m the biggest fan of Batman. I like him because of his car and muscle-power. Then I saw a Sallu movie and also became the ultimate fan of Sallu. I also saw his runaway hit – Tere Naam. I was so deeply moved by it that I got my hairstyle done like him. But girls looked at me and said – “Ooh! He’s so ugly!”. So I changed my hairstyle back to normal. But I still keep my madness for Sallu.

Author’s Profile

Ashish Menon.

Fifteen.

Class X student – preparing for boards(!!)

Currently working on his new (secret) masterpiece.

Planner

My Father is staying with me from the last one month. And I’ve started observing little changes in my daily planner.

1. I wake up at 6 am, rather than the usual 6:45.
2. I’m having breakfast at my home. Canteen, these days is only for center freshes and saunf.
3. I eat a couple of eggs everyday, be it whatever… and aaji isn’t complaining.
4. I can devote only half an hour to music. The usual is 3.
5. I’m usually home within 15 minutes after college. Given that My college is 8 kms away and its Indore.
6. I spend more time in my room.
7. I haven’t seen any television in the last one month.
8. I hang out with friends only thrice a week. Normally, I’m at home only on sundays.
9. In the evenings, I return at 8 o’clock.
10. In the evenings, I return.
11. I’ve started participating in home work. I bring the little petty things from the market.
12. I drive Kinetic sometimes.
13. I’ve not been to ICH and coffee day lately. Naturally, I didn’t have any coffee.
14. The last movie I saw was ‘No Entry’. And that was a month and a half ago.

Hell… I’m enjoying it.

Smile for a moment

Notice the Ad-vantage Pepsi got over Coke!

It happens only in India

Got this from Nitty